My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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