Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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