Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
