dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
