The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
