Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
