he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
