if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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