Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
