I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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