Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
