i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
