I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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