Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
