sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
