And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
