I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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