After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
