You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
