I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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