god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
