I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
