the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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