she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
