the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How's work?
Spinning.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
