I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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