forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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