I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
