So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
