The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
