That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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