final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
