if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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