So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
