So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
