a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
