...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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