So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
