I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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