i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
a search helicopter?!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
