you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
