When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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