god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
