I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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