what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
