I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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