even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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