I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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