I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
