this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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